Two Irishmen were looking at a mail order catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other, 'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, the youngest redneck Irishman asks his friend, 'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalogue .... ?'

The second Irishman replies......

'No, but it shouldn't be long now. She sent all her clothes yesterday.'

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"


“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~


ENGLISH HOSPITALITY

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, Who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen.
Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... Is that what you call 'English hospitality'?"

"No, sir," replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."


Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---


Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."


Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But Mom, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife : 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly : 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

***********************************************************************


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'


The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."


The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."


To which Dad replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


>It all began with an iPhone...

>>March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, andwe got him an
iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

>>

>>

>>

>>I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she
bought me an iPad.

>>

>>Our daughter's birthday was in August; so we got her an iPod Touch.

>>

>>

>>

>>My wife celebrated her birthday in September; so I got her an iRon.

>>

>>

>>

>>It was around then that the fight started..

>>

>>What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the
home network with iWash, iCook and iClean.

>>

>>This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

>>

>>I should be out of the hospital next week!

>>

>>

>>iHurt.


WORKING HARD!

My boss phoned me today, he said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I replied: "Oh, Yes: it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I replied: "Of course, what is it?"


"Speed it up a little, I'm in the four ball behind you!!"


Silence is Golden

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: "Doctor that was a effin brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

Tell me Doc....wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really Nae big secret. The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."


Use Your Brain
I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time I've seen it with numbers,
F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?
Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.
PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F
U C4N R34D 7H15.


THE OLD BITCH

A couple was going out for the evening.

They'd got ready, all dolled up, but just needed to put the dog out when the taxi arrives.

However as the couple walked out of the house, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver: 'He's just going upstairs to say good-night to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her arse downstairs and tossed her in the back yard!

She better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.


We Aussie blokes are so good to you women!!!


My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said.

Being the nice fellow I am, I thought :

"Bugger it, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again!


AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex

MORE ONE-LINERS!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off
with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to
brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any
time....


I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a
grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!


My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so
I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I
thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if
I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a
good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.


Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing
my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod
that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The
operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the
ironing is building up!"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At
least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was
petrified.


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around
and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a
wheelchair.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die
you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She
said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not
listening.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to
prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all
her clothes back.


The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the
kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting
and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through
the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying
that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was
a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have
to reverse the bloomin thing


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has
stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the
attacker could be following some kind of pattern.


Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off
before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a
tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins
at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the
teddy bears have their picks nicked


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being
hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



It's the way I tell em .


A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did.... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

Inconclusive travel plans 2012:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.


MOBILE PHONES

You know how irritating mobile phone users are when they fail to
exercise discretion and think the world needs to know their business?


After a busy day
he settled down in his train from Waterloo for a nap as far as his destination
at Winchester, when the chap sitting near him hauled out his mobile and started
up:- "Hi darling it's Peter, I'm on the train - yes, I know it's the 6.30 not
the 4.30 but I had a long meeting - no, not with that floozie from the typing
pool, with the boss no darling you're the only one in my life - yes, I'm sure,
cross my heart" etc, etc.

This was still going on at Wimbledon ,
when the young woman opposite, driven beyond
endurance, yelled at the top of her voice, "Hey, Peter, turn that bloody phone
off and come back to bed!!"


CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a
personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my
pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed
for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the
keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I
came to a terrifying conclusion.


Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I
had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always
call her "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then
I heard her voice.
"Idiot", she barked, "I dropped you off!"


Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get
me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not
stolen your car."

Yep it's the golden years.


DRINKING

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to
think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not .


John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards."
They don't have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing."
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right."
Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled."
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
WHAT'S NEW? A final thought -
" Greece is collapsing,
the Iranians are getting aggressive,
and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC


ONE LINER JOKES


Just booked a table for our wedding anniversary for me and my wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's not much good at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. Gosh, I do love my new Taser.

Got a new dog today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford

If you get an email telling you that you can catch salmonella from tins of ham then delete it, it's Spam.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

When I was young, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris CDG airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days."


Qantas Airlines: Repair Division


In case you need a laugh:

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints s_ubmitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.


Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist and humorist who once said:
"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
His mind sees things differently than most of us do.


Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time favourite -

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?


Baptising a Glaswegian

A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher....

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,
whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.' So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found
Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,
'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah havnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the
water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'
(Are you ready for this????)
The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher,
.
.
Are ye sure this is where he fell in !


The Irish Railway Company complaint letter:
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------


Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------


Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
Sitting on my Ass gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.


The Blood Donor

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money, but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".



SOMETHING OUR KIDS / GRAND KIDS--ALL NEED TO UNDERSTAND!! I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving....

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
Well, I have done something about it.....

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many scotches as well as a couple of beers and some rather nice zinfandel.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven one before.


~ Bill Gates~

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom.
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
eleven (11) things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
They called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were:
So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room...

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
*Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life.
In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one...

If you can read this... Thank a Teacher.
If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier!
And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!


No wonder the Americans have financial problems; guess they thought they
would never run out of money!!!
When NASA first planned to send up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $1.2 billion
to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
on almost any surface including glass, and at temperatures ranging from
below freezing to +300 C.

Confronted with the same problem, the Brits used a pencil.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Ken and his wife, Barbara, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wifes favourite flower ?"

Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it ?"

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.


> Cocktail lounge , Norway :
> LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
>
> Doctors office, Rome :
> SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
>
> Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
> DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
>
> In a Nairobi restaurant:
> CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
>
> On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
> TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
>
> On a poster in Johannesburg:
> ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
>
> In a City restaurant:
> OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
>
> In an Irish cemetery:
> PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .
>
> Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
> GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
>
> On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
> OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
>
> In a Thai bar:
> SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
>
> Hotel , Yugoslavia :
> THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..
>
> Hotel , Japan :
> YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
>
> In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
> YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
> COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
>
> A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
> IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
> DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS
> THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..
>
> Hotel, Zurich :
> BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE
> BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
>
> Advertisement for donkey rides, Budapest :
> WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
>
> Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
> WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
>
> A laundry in Rome :
> LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
> TIME...

We've heard a lot recently about the Greek bail-out package which is going to cost all of us a fortune.......so here's an insight into how it works:


It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a ?100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the ?100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the ?100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the ?100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the ?100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the ?100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the ?100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the ?100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps..... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!


DEFINITION OF A HANGOVER:
WRATH OF GRAPES

HEALTH MESSAGE
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realised that I don't really care.
It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me! ---

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR
If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close .My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or splutter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

A REPAIR CHALLENGE ---

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc,want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759)
when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running."

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
Q: Why do men's clothes have buttons on the right while women's clothes have buttons on the left?

A: When buttons were invented, they were very expensive and worn primarily by the rich. Since most people are right-handed, it is easier to push buttons on the right through holes on the left. Because wealthy women were dressed by maids, dressmakers put the buttons on the maid's right! And that's where women's buttons have remained since.
Q: Why are zero scores in tennis called 'love'?
A: In France , where tennis became popular, round zero on the scoreboard looked like an egg and was called 'l'oeuf,' which is French for 'egg.' When tennis was introduced in the US , Americans (mis)pronounced it 'love.'
Q: Why are people in the public eye said to be 'in the limelight'?
A: Invented in 1825, limelight was used in lighthouses and theaters by burning a cylinder of lime which produced a brilliant light. In the theatre, a performer 'in the limelight' was the centre of attention.
Q: Why is someone who is feeling great 'on cloud nine'?
A: Types of clouds are numbered according to the altitudes they attain, with nine being the highest cloud. If someone is said to be on cloud nine, that person is floating well above worldly cares.
Q: In golf, where did the term 'Caddie' come from?
A. When Mary Queen of Scots went to France as a young girl, Louis, King of France, learned that she loved the Scots game 'golf.' So he had the first course outside
of Scotland built for her enjoyment. To make sure she was properly chaperoned (and guarded) while she played, Louis hired cadets from a military school to
accompany her. Mary liked this a lot and when returned to Scotland (not a very good idea in the long run), she took the practice with her. In French, the word cadet is
pronounced 'ca-day' and the Scots changed it into 'caddie'.
Q: Why are many coin banks shaped like pigs?
A: Long ago, dishes and cookware in Europe were made of a dense orange clay called 'pygg'. When people saved coins in jars made of this clay, the jars became
known as 'pygg banks.' When an English potter misunderstood the word, he made a container that resembled a pig. And it caught on. So there ! Now you know ! ---

Lecture Tour with A Difference

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer. 'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger. 'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Day?' enquired the constable sarcastically.

'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.


Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old. This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Change the way you think.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month..
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Release your children when they become adults, its their life now
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay cheque.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye.
16. Take a deep breath It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Just because you believe you are right, doesn't mean you are. Keep an open mind.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. Your job is to love your children, not choose who they should love.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43.. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield..
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'.
I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.


WORDS
I guess if you work in Brussels then anything to do with cabbages is pretty important! See the following…….!

Pythagorean Theorem: ...........................................24 words.

Lord's prayer:....................................................... 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: ........................................... 67 words.

Ten Commandments: ............................................ 179 words.

Gettysburg address: ............................................ 286 words.

US Declaration of Independence : .................... 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .......... 7,818 words.

EU regulations on the sale of cabbages:....... 26,911 words.


SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?


Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary
________________________________________

"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......
Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
please, Mr. O’Leary."


Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
his money.


"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the
barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"


"That is remarkable value" Michael comments


"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."


O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."


"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"


Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"


O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your
laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 euro."


O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
manager".


"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will
be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.


"Do you know who I am?"


"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"


"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"


"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"


"I will never use this bar again"


"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".


THE OLDER CROWD


A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************
An older gentleman was
On the operating table
Awaiting surgery
And he insisted that his son,
A renowned surgeon,
Perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
He asked to speak to his son
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '
'Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best
And just remember,
If it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me,
Your mother
Is going to come and
Live with you and your wife....'
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true.
I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
********************

When you are dissatisfied
And would like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
Everything either dries up or leaks.
-------------------------------

One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------
Long ago
When men cursed
And beat the ground with sticks,
It was called witchcraft...
Today, it's called golf.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys one old one young
Are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
When they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
And I guess I wasn't paying attention
To where I was going.
The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too...'
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'
The old guy says, 'Well,
Maybe I can help you find her..
What does she look like?'
' The young guy says,
'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall,
With red hair,
Blue eyes, is buxom,
Long legs,
And is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours.


The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.

Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the surgery's waiting room. "I hope to God the doctor
finds something wrong with me
because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"

*****************************

Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics.
He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.

"He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused.

"The holiday did him the world of good." And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.

"That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn't know he's dead yet,
but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"

*****************************

"Your glass is empty O`Flaherty, will you be having another?"

"And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" Replied O`Flaherty.

*****************************

Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.

"Are ya dead?" cried Gallager from above "To be sure I am," replied Murphy.

"You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" called Gallagher.

"That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below, "because if I was alive you wouldn't
be game to call me a liar!"


*****************************

Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking. "It's best if we split up," said Paddy.

"I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".

Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
"Where the hell did you get that?"

Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up.
She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off. She said I could have anything I wanted,
so I took the car," said Paddy.

"Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."

*****************************

Paddy: "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them."

"Three?" suggested Shaun.

*****************************

Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.

"What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer. "

"Tis Lourdes holy water .. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.

The officer took the bottle and tried some." Why it's Irish whiskey!" he spluttered.

"Lord bless me!", said Paddy, "another bloomin` miracle."

*****************************

On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.

"What's it for?" asked Paddy.

"It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.

Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."


(You'll never look at the game the same way again!)
Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found themselves
as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting
about forways and means to facilitate their escape...
*
Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and
accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the
locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go for food and shelter.
**

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open

and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush.
Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing escape
maps on silk It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and
unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.
**
At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had
perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John
Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its
bit for the war effort.
**
By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the popular
American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a
category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the
International Red Cross to prisoners of war.
**
Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old
workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began
mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps
were located. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would
actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.
**
As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French
currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!
**
British and American air crews were advised, before taking off on their first
mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot,
one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the
corner of the Free Parking square.
**
Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated
one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets.

Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government
might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from
Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a public ceremony.


MONOPOLY
(You'll never look at the game the same way again!)
Starting in 1941, an increasing number of British Airmen found themselves
as the involuntary guests of the Third Reich, and the Crown was casting
about forways and means to facilitate their escape...
*
Now obviously, one of the most helpful aids to that end is a useful and
accurate map, one showing not only where stuff was, but also showing the
locations of 'safe houses' where a POW on-the-lam could go for food and shelter.
**

Paper maps had some real drawbacks -- they make a lot of noise when you open

and fold them, they wear out rapidly, and if they get wet, they turn into mush.
Someone in MI-5 (similar to America 's OSS ) got the idea of printing escape
maps on silk It's durable, can be scrunched-up into tiny wads, and
unfolded as many times as needed, and makes no noise whatsoever.
**
At that time, there was only one manufacturer in Great Britain that had
perfected the technology of printing on silk, and that was John
Waddington, Ltd. When approached by the government, the firm was only too happy to do its
bit for the war effort.
**
By pure coincidence, Waddington was also the U.K. Licensee for the popular
American board game, Monopoly. As it happened, 'games and pastimes' was a
category of item qualified for insertion into 'CARE packages', dispatched by the
International Red Cross to prisoners of war.
**
Under the strictest of secrecy, in a securely guarded and inaccessible old
workshop on the grounds of Waddington's, a group of sworn-to-secrecy employees began
mass-producing escape maps, keyed to each region of Germany or Italy where Allied POW camps
were located. When processed, these maps could be folded into such tiny dots that they would
actually fit inside a Monopoly playing piece.
**
As long as they were at it, the clever workmen at Waddington's also managed to add:
1. A playing token, containing a small magnetic compass
2. A two-part metal file that could easily be screwed together
3. Useful amounts of genuine high-denomination German, Italian, and French
currency, hidden within the piles of Monopoly money!
**
British and American air crews were advised, before taking off on their first
mission, how to identify a 'rigged' Monopoly set -- by means of a tiny red dot,
one cleverly rigged to look like an ordinary printing glitch, located in the
corner of the Free Parking square.
**
Of the estimated 35,000 Allied POWS who successfully escaped, an estimated
one-third were aided in their flight by the rigged Monopoly sets.

Everyone who did so was sworn to secrecy indefinitely, since the British Government
might want to use this highly successful ruse in still another, future war.

The story wasn't declassified until 2007, when the surviving craftsmen from
Waddington's, as well as the firm itself, were finally honored in a public ceremony.


NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

> Where did “piss poor” come from ?

> Us older people need to learn something new every day...
>
>
>
> Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
>
>
>
> Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
>
> Interesting History.
>
>
>
> Also we humans use to use piss to brush our teeth. They would go outside and get a willow twig or other tree twig and chew it until it was soft then they would dip the twig into the piss and brush their teeth. This caused much decay but they had pearly white all the time.
>
>
>
> They used to use urine to tan animal skins,
>
> so families used to all pee in a pot.
>
> And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
>
> if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
>
> But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
>
> They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
>
>
>
>
>
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
>
> Here are some facts about the 1500's
>
> Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
>
> And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
>
> Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
>
> Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
>
>
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
>
> The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
>
> Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
>
> Last of all the babies.
>
> By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
>
> Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
>
>
>
>
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
>
> It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
>
> (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
>
> When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
>
> Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
>
> There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
>
>
>
> This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
>
> Could mess up your nice clean bed.
>
> Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
>
> That's how canopy beds came into existence.
>
>
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>
> Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
>
> In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
>
> As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
>
> It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
>
> Hence: a thresh hold.
>
>
>
> (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
>
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
>
> Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.
>
> They ate mostly vegetables
>
> And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
>
> In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
>
> Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
>
> Hence the rhyme:
>
>
>
> “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
>
>
>
> When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
>
> It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
>
> They would cut off a little to share with guests
>
> And would all sit around and chew the fat.
>
>
>
> Those with money had plates made of pewter.
>
> Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
>
> This happened most often with tomatoes,
>
> so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
>
>
> Bread was divided according to status.
>
> Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
>
> The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
>
> Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
>
> They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
>
> and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
>
> Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.
>
>
>
> England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
>
> So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
>
> When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
>
> So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
>
> Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
>
> “saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.
>
>
>
> And that's the truth.
>
>
>
> Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
>
> So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
>
>
>
> Share these facts with a friend.
>
> Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
>
>
>
> 'What the heck happened?'
>
> We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
>
> Then we'll be new friends.
>
> Smile, it gives your face something to do!


Taxi Drivers
A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Sydney. It was raining and all the
prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?
They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mum, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.


The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,

'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,

'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally , Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,

'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs.. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued .

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'


From Ireland where driving while under the influence is considered a sport, comes this story. (Only the Irish could think of this).
Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Donegal Town After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that
he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road. The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the
man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said Paddy , truly proud of himself. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy!


Acts 2: 38

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar.. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'

Send this to someone who needs a laugh today and remember: Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!


THE BLONDE AND THE COW

A blond City girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)


Subject: Yellow 24
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow
and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious
moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's
never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and
wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners,
a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!


The Irish Millionaire.

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left –phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow



b) Thrush




c) Magpie

d) Cuckoo




"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ''so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ."





Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.




"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple, It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Man."
There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer, Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy, how in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a clock!"


Morse Code is this way too. The great code operators didn't separate the letters but actually heard the words or, in some cases entire sentences. This will put your dyslexia into a catatonic fit!


eonvrye taht can raed tihs rsaie yuor hnad.


Isn't it interesing that only boys have their hands up? To my 'selected' strange-minded friends:
If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends and the person that sent it to you with 'yes' in the subject line..

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it


FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date
with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!", Peggy Sue's
mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"


"Iced tea, please," Fred said.

Mum brought in the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?", she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt
shop, maybe take a walk on the beach.."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mum informed him.

"Really?", Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

"Oh yes," the mother continued, "When she goes out with her friends, that's
all they do! Screw, again and again!!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we
let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip!'", Fred said as he began thinking about alternate
plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,
wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a
bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids!", the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and
slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mum!", she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The
bloody dance is called the Twist!!!".


This is a real letter which somebody posted to the Taxation office in
IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years. This is
alleged to be the actual text of a letter received by the Revenue
Commissioners from a Co. Longford, farmer in reply to an income tax
demand.



Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given
the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection
of what has gone before. You say you thought the account could have been
settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn't.

Well, here are the reasons: In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In
1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double
barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. In 1989
the fucking hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no
insurance either as the fucking premium had lapsed. One of the horses went
lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor cunt to
death.

In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry
one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had
to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be
castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon
and the fucking boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the
fucking ejit who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not
long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now
married and trying for children. In 1992 my wife ran away with a pig jobber
from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get
a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job
getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's allowance). I went to
see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial
moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the
moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the
window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I
found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed
the fucking knackerer who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get
more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the fucker's
funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the
water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and
did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder.
Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.

This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer,
tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the
fucking lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last
surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down
for dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't
pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed I should like to know
about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter
up a hedgehog's hole with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of
cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the
bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit


John Conway

HELL EXPLAINED
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.


Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'
'What's dat', says his mate.


'Send me lawn away to be cut'.


This sort of sums up the gender differences.............


Wifes Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts?


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday
She said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said, Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up and says, "Blow me, I know this face, but I can't put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard ... it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe.

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing
them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"



The right Hon Prime Minister
Dear Mr Cameron
Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them 1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:
1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy 100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc
It can't get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances
If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also..
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay 600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!
***********************************************************************************

Hymn No. 365


A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said,
'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, 'For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn No. 365, 'Shall We Gather at the River.'


A Special Kiss

>
>
>A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl
about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks.
>
>
>
>"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
>
>While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want
to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you
give me a Kiss?"

>

>So, she does.

>

>After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I
have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting.You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

>

>"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one
looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

A real reply from the UK Inland Revenue. The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it. The funniest part of this is imagining the content of the letter sent to the Tax Office which prompted this reply!

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue


A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'

'The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

'The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?''

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde..........................






'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the blonde entered Heaven...

And what's worse .. you're now singing it to yourself .....


The Tesco Doctor

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'

Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.

There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would
happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."


A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly
squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie
that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says.
"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this - they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch
before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman

ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T
STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK A
DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.

THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A
WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND
THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST
AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS
WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN
SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.

THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE
TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS:


MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION


INSTRUCTIONS:

All questions are compulsory.
Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four
students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you
attended----- (30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 Marks)
Q.4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)
Q.5. Who was driving---------- (20 marks)

END OF PAPER...


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically, all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"


The Deaf Bookeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo,
has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the
reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing
That he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple
and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in
Woodbridge!
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!


Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
.............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin ..

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ........ Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss"

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me
................ I've Quit Drinking!"


A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over it.

The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'


Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

Thank you.


MY LIVING WILL


Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
The little bastards.


Banned from Sainsbury's

Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Sainsbury's.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.



Is it OK to own a Canadian?

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus
> 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US
> man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:
>
>
> Dear Dr.Laura:
>
> Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.
>
> I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
>
> 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
>
> 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
>
> 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
>
> 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
>
> 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
>
> 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
>
> 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
> vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
>
> 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
>
> 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
>
> 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
> different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
> Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do
> with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
>
> I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.
>
> Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
>
> Your adoring fan.
>
> James M.
> Kauffman,
> Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
> Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and
> Special Education
> University of Virginia
>
> PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian)


The Cowboy

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face ... Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'


> A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
> hospital.
>
> While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing
> God she
> asked 'Is my time up?'
>
> God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
> live.'
>
> Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
> face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even
> had
> someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
> Since she
> had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the
> most of
> it.
>
>
>
> After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
> crossing
> the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
>
> Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had
> another 43 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
> ambulance'
>
>

>
>
>
> God replied: 'I didn't recognize you!'


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________________


Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.
Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'
'What's dat, says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.

Desperate measures !


Paddy staggers drunk as a stoat, into his Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but Paddy continues to sit there...silent.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Paddy mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'


GEORDIES

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd...."We are all here today to prove to the
world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please".

To loud applause Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting
"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here,
I think we can give him another chance".

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium.
Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms,
stomp their feet and scream..................

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"


Wyoming Reject


A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly
squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie
that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says.
"I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this - they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch
before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman


Classic

ONE NIGHT 4 UNIVERSITY STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T
STUDY FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK A
DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.

THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A
WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND
THEY HAD TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO
CONDITION TO APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THE DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RE-TEST
AFTER 3 DAYS. THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME.
ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS
WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION THAT ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN
SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST.

THEY ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE
TEST CONSISTED OF 5 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS:


MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION


INSTRUCTIONS:

All questions are compulsory.
Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four
students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name----- (2 MARKS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you
attended----- (30 Marks)
Q.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 Marks)
Q.4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)
Q.5. Who was driving---------- (20 marks)

END OF PAPER...


SHE SHOULD HAVE LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically, all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"


Irish joke...

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,

Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.

The barman says,"You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it
.............................. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin ..

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ........ Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.

One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice & fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round,

The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss"

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine!


Tis me
................ I've Quit Drinking!"


Sniff sniff

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over it.

The first man is really amazed now by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'

The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'


Don't you love the brits abroad


(Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)


"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room..

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


Shocking Story

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing, and without looking up and said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

The confused Zebra


A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St.
Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I
white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra
asked, "God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or
am I black with white stripes?"

God simply replied, "You are what you are.."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,
"Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"

The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you
are.'"

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.
You are white with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes, God
would have said, 'You is what you is.'"


: Paddy & Mick

Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, Look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and ......."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How d' y' know dat?"
The owner says, "This is a Dry Cleaners."


Quickies

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"

*******************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.

****************************************

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

*********************************************************

A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".

*********************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."


Speeding Fine


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. He says to himself, "this driver is just as dangerous as a speedster!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused at being stopped, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly..

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error..

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.. is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.


"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."


Desperate measures !


Paddy staggers drunk as a stoat, into his Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but Paddy continues to sit there...silent.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

Paddy mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'


Generous to a fault

One afternoon a wealthy Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men on the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.


He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.


"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"


"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."


The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.


"You'll really love my place.


"The grass is almost a foot high"


Widdle Wabbit
A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,


"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."


Senior's Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again ......he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'


Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach water is the toilet?


THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.


"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".


BILL GATES AND GM:
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill 's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash....... ..Twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!


A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?'
'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'


Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


Sweet tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor says, "What happened?"

Woman says "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor says "I've got just the thing for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and falls asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says "Hey Doctor! That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I just swished and swished, and he didn't lay a finger on me!"

Doctor says, "Yes, I thought getting you to keep your mouth shut might help"

AARP joke


Learn from your elders....................

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.
Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.



A THOUGHTFULL SCOTTISH HUSBAND?

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Margaret - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, Jock replied, I'm switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'


Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'


I've just found out I can still have sex at 73!

I am so happy because I live at 56,
so it's not far to walk home . . .


Jane And The Fortune Teller

During a recent public outing, Jane slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jane stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"


Now all you financial gurus. Here is an example of how to solve the country's monetary problems.


A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A 50 QUID NOTE

It's a slow day in a little northern town called N------ham. The single mothers are packed tight into the coffee bars.
There's a chill in the air, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit..............

On this particular day a banker is driving through town. He stops at a local hotel and lays a £50 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the £50 and runs
next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the £50 and runs down the street to settle his debt
to the farmer.

The farmer takes the £50 and heads off to pay his bill at the
supplier of his animal feed.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the £50 and runs to pay his debt
to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has
had to offer her "services" on credit.

The prostitute rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the
hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the £50 note back on the counter so the
banker will not suspect anything.

At that moment the banker comes down the stairs, picks up the £50 and states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the £50 and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, everyone concerned is now out of debt and now looks to the future
with great optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, could be how the United Kingdom's Government is conducting business today.

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bowtie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me ?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'


I love this part.... :


'Only when he's pissed.'


THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'.

***********************

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son;
do your best
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well ,
if something happens to me...
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------

Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way...
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************

When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------

One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.

<><><><><><><><><>

Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.

<><><><><><><><>

First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago,
when men cursed
and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lord, please...
keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth!


If Tommy Cooper was still alive These would be his......
>
> I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
> -----------------------
> This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.. It was a turtle disaster.
> ------------------------
> I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
> -----------------------
> I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
> ----------------------------
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
> ---------------------------
> I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
> ------------------------------
> I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
> --------------------------
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
> ------------------------
> I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
> ---------------------------
> I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
> ----------------------------
> I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
> ---------------------------
> The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
> --------------------------
> I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
> ----------------------
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
> --------------------------
> I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything..'
> ----------------------------
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
> --------------------------------
> This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
> --------------------------
> I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
> ------------------------------
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
> ----------------------
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
> -------------------------
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
> ------------------------
> I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
> ---------------------------
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
> --------------------------------
> I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
> --------------------------------
> A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'


Two Chimps & a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me ? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble..'
'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. 'What the heck are you doing here ?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'
'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to SeaWorld


Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story)


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof windshield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, it snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."


Could be true .. !

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered: "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded: "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.
"Blair's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.''

A Romantic Scotsman

"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.

Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow.

"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE
>
> It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the Wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
>
> He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
>
> "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"
>
> "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?"
>
> The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
>
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
>
> The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."